Feeling something
Which is good for us both, I suppose.

For as long as I can remember I have felt, overwhelmingly. 
When I was younger, I thought I was feeling nothing at all.
But the more I write, the more I can begin to unravel that which I am.

I had a dream last night, not odd.
Remembering the dream I had, odd.
Walking into the kitchen and telling my parents, odd.

I had a dream and
it was quite simple;
the more I drank,
the thirstier I became.

The word passion wafts through my peripheral. But I do not write because it is a passion, nor do I drive because I like the ride of my truck. If what is on my heart is of the Lord then I am zoned in.

I told my therapist I fear having to get another job, she said it was understandable because this is my passion. But this is hardly a passion; this is hardly my life; this is hardly a pursuit; this is what I was created to do. Humbly, I was crafted in the hands of my God to feel deeply and be compelled to write.

And at 10:30pm on a Tuesday night when I’m blasting down three thousand words to try and clear my head I find myself convinced further. When I read Jeremiah’s argument with the Lord (“I do not want to speak” / “You will do as I say”), I do not see a distant Biblical figure; I see me.

And I think to myself yesterday, and earlier today, and just now; am I willing to do the Will of my God? What if it is not as I desire? What if it is working in carpentry for 10 more years? Would I be capable of finding peace in His plan? I am afraid to write the answer down. The dream I had — I am not sure what it means.

The more I lean into my self identified (?) sole purpose in this life, the more I want it? The more I desire success, the less satisfied I become? Difficult to see; I do not want success. I am quite content with writing aimlessly and being unsure if this will see the trashcan or a few thousand eyes. I would prefer stable income, and I suppose I would prefer a family someday, but woe is me;

so sure of my purpose in Glorifying the Christ from such a young age yet longing for more ? How fallen . How Fallen How Fallen How Fallen !!!