Feeling something — which is good for us both, I suppose.

For as long as I can remember I have felt overwhelmingly.
When I was younger, I thought I was feeling nothing at all.

But the more I write, the more I can begin to unravel the ball of yarn which is me.

I had a dream last night, not odd.

Remembering the dream I had, odd.

Walking into the kitchen and telling my parents, odd.

I had a dream and

it was quite simple;

the more I drank,

the thirstier I became.

The word passion wafts through my peripheral. But I do not write because it is a passion, nor do I drive because I like the ride of my truck. If what is on my heart is of the Lord then I am zoned in. I told my therapist I fear having to get another job, she said it was understandable because this is my passion. But this is hardly a passion; this is hardly my life; this is hardly a pursuit; this is what I was created to do. Humbly, I was crafted in the hands of my God to feel deeply and be compelled to write. And at 10:30pm on a Tuesday night when I’m blasting down three thousand words to try and clear my head I find myself convinced further.

When I read Jeremiah’s argument with the Lord (“I do not want to speak” / “You will do as I say”), I do not see a distant Biblical figure; I see me. And I think to myself yesterday, and earlier today, and just now; am I willing to do the Will of my God? What if it is not as I desire? What if it is working at Home Depot for 10 years? Would I be capable of finding peace in His plan? I am afraid to write the answer down. The dream I had — I am not sure what it means. The more I lean into my self identified (?) sole purpose in this life, the more I want it? The more I desire success, the less satisfied I become? Difficult to see; I do not want success. I am quite content with writing aimlessly and being unsure if this will see the trashcan or a few thousand eyes. I would prefer stable income, and I suppose I would prefer a family someday, but woe is me; so sure of my purpose in Glorifying the Christ from such a young age yet longing for more ? How fallen .